Election is a Joke

Since I don't take so called democratic elections seriously, here are some pictures. The actual left will loose, Obama is not a socialist, and McCain will keep us in a state of perpetual war.

Apiphobia

Let's talk about bees. If all the bees dropped dead I would be glad. Today I was sitting outside in SF class when two bees started flying around me. This ruined the class for me. It was a nice day, nice wind blowing, warm sun. But then the bees come and ruin it all. I'm on edge for the whole class, watching the little buggers. I had my hand over my shoulder to keep them away the whole time. 

I'm not entirely sure when it started. When I was a young child my mother read me a book about a bull who got stung by a bee. That is where the knowledge that bees stung came from. I remember getting very close to a bee on a flower. It was a harmless, bumblebee type creature. Yet for some reason I was very nervous about getting that close to one.

I hate how they fly around, I hate the buzzing sound they make, I hate that color of yellow. The sting is not actually that bad. Just their presence around me is what matters. Still I don't like to get stung. Three years ago I was in the woods and I stepped on a bee's nest hidden under some leaves. I felt some pin pricks on my leg. And then the bees swarmed up my leg. I ran as fast as I could but I got stung multiple times. The sight of the bees swarming up my leg was what really scary. I feel horrible when I think about. 

I have dreams about bees sometimes. Three really standout. In one dream I had when I was very young they have completely covered my house. They are over every inch of wall and they are flying around everywhere. I go inside trying to find my mother. She  tries to calm me down. The next one is where I am with some other kids, standing by a wall with holes in it. The holes are actually bee's nests. I cautiously keep away from the wall. Then I get really sacred when a  large green bee comes out of one of the holes. In the third dream I'm at a cookout. The bees are very large, about the size of baseballs. And they keep flying around my head. 

I desire the genocide of all bees so  I can enjoy the outdoors again.

Inner Space

Since I have looked into Heidegger and Wittgenstein I have found that the main force they battle against is the idea of a mind removed from the public world. Before being exposed to these ideas I was a property dualist. Now that I have a more holistic view of the mind there are still some questions that bother me. In this public view of the world can we now address the idea of the inner space with more clarity? That is, can we return to the old epistemological questions without worrying that if we fail the solipsists win? We now know there is the world of our existence that we live in and deal with. But this picture does not address the sense of wonder that dualists like Descartes had about the way the senses and mind deal. When we go to sleep at night our minds enter a different kind of existence (though still laden with concepts and ideas of the public world). Our senses are giving us existence but what if we bracket them out? What is it that we are left with and how does it relate back to the public world. More importantly how does it relate to being?

Feeling sad

Okay... I know these types of blog posts are cliche. But I have to write about this. I really care about what other people think of me. I know it should not be the most important thing in the world but I just do. I may not even do something to offend anybody but I will think that I am. I will worry over it, and I will keep worrying over it. I hate even more not knowing what people thought of me. If they just came out and said "I hate you, you annoying little..." then I would be sad for a while but eventually I'd forget about it but I hate not knowing. I hate not know what exactly is wrong and if there is anything I can do to fix it. I feel powerless against other people. And now my meaningless whining will transition to my non-existent love life. Yesterday I was hanging out with my friends and this girl that I like. And my friend was like "You two should totally date". With out thinking, without pondering, without even a split second of consideration I said very firmly "No". He then said to her "You just got shot down", I think she was just shaking her head. She did not appear to be angry or offended but she did not say anything. To cover up for my remark I said "I was just verbalizing what she would have said in advance." She laughed at this. The only thing that seemed to come out of the situation was the consensus that my friend says stupid things. But now that I have said "No" does that commit me to never ask her out ever?I'm going to guess her silence means that she was not interested (She's not the type that pursues relationships anyway). But the fact that she too seemed to reject this possibility immedetly means only serves to reaffirm to myself that of all the boys in the world I am not worth it. I don't know why. I don't think I'm too ugly. But there must be something unappealing. 

Now I ponder what exactly made me say no so quickly. I have the feeling that it has to do with something subconscious or unconscious. Zizek would say it's ideology. It could be it's because I have grown so used to thinking of myself as undateable that I rejected it as something that I do not do. Being undateable is part of my very being/existence. Or it could be because I have been raised in a highly christian household where I am not allowed to date and I think of it as something that will not happen. Of all the symbols that I've drifted away from that religion it would be the most apparent, my obvious that i have betrayed God and that I now am a hopeless sinner looking for answers in places where there are none. If I allowed myself to date it would mean that I have taken a stand on my being, away from Christianity. Having a girlfriend is not like having a belief (Agnosticism for example). You can always get rid of a belief easy. You can't do that with a girlfriend.

And so the first emo blog post was written

No YOU don't know what your ideas really mean

Socialism vs Free Market Capitalism. Whatever side you place yourself on I have noticed the way both sides will say "Yes you may think that but what you are advocating actually is... The government having total control over the economy and therefore your life or selfish corporation owners doing whatever they want without regard for the common man" I find this odd but I guess it should not be surprising. Each side sees itself as the champion of democracy, freedom, and justice. Therefore the other side must really want dictatorship, slavery, and injustice right?

Nausea

Nausea's by Jean-Paul Sartre themes now seem odd to me looking back. The character comes into contact with pure existence. This is odd especially now that I've learned about Heidegger. In Heidegger being is always "understood" in a certain way. Present at hand, ready at hand, being taking a stand on itself &c. Is the character doing the impossible?Being as nothing but being? If this was done in a buddhistic way then I could wrap my head around this. But the character is not just letting himself be. He is in the world and yet the world acts as if he was not in it. The world is a character itself in Nausea. He describes himself as not knowing whether the change (The Nausea) came from within or without. Maybe this comes from Sartre's dualism. Later he talks of there no longer being "perfect moments". The meaning or understanding (a link between the two concepts?) in the world can be taken away because the mind had willed in onto the world. In Hiedegger this can't happen and he might say that Sartre was actually still seeing the world in a present at hand only way and that leads to Sartre's character to being able to come into contact with existence. In other words there is a contradiction between viewing the mind in a dualism and experiencing pure being. Sartre only ventures into this by "pure being" meaning naked objects.

The good noises

There are certain noises that always make me clam. These noises come from certain machines. Space heats, fans, air conditioners, rain on the roof, and airplane noise (though not when its too loud). In that order too. Heaters are best for me. I think these are white noises but I'm not sure because the only white noise samples online I've found are of static. I dislike static. Too scratchy. But these noises are always comforting. I like to sleep with a fan on. I do my best thinking when these noises are in the background (late at night too for some reason). It started when I was a kid and my parents got a space heater. In the early cold morning I would go to it and eat breakfast beside it. These noises always seem best when its dark outside (and dimly lit inside). My mind would be filled with the noise. I could think with the noise. Even when I don't actively think I gain a certain kind of focus when I causally listen to it. When I feel down it doesn't comfort me though, it just lets me think through the sad thoughts more. I think it masks the outside world and allows me to be alone with my thoughts. Just me, my thoughts, the dark room, and the noise.