Inner Space

Since I have looked into Heidegger and Wittgenstein I have found that the main force they battle against is the idea of a mind removed from the public world. Before being exposed to these ideas I was a property dualist. Now that I have a more holistic view of the mind there are still some questions that bother me. In this public view of the world can we now address the idea of the inner space with more clarity? That is, can we return to the old epistemological questions without worrying that if we fail the solipsists win? We now know there is the world of our existence that we live in and deal with. But this picture does not address the sense of wonder that dualists like Descartes had about the way the senses and mind deal. When we go to sleep at night our minds enter a different kind of existence (though still laden with concepts and ideas of the public world). Our senses are giving us existence but what if we bracket them out? What is it that we are left with and how does it relate back to the public world. More importantly how does it relate to being?

Feeling sad

Okay... I know these types of blog posts are cliche. But I have to write about this. I really care about what other people think of me. I know it should not be the most important thing in the world but I just do. I may not even do something to offend anybody but I will think that I am. I will worry over it, and I will keep worrying over it. I hate even more not knowing what people thought of me. If they just came out and said "I hate you, you annoying little..." then I would be sad for a while but eventually I'd forget about it but I hate not knowing. I hate not know what exactly is wrong and if there is anything I can do to fix it. I feel powerless against other people. And now my meaningless whining will transition to my non-existent love life. Yesterday I was hanging out with my friends and this girl that I like. And my friend was like "You two should totally date". With out thinking, without pondering, without even a split second of consideration I said very firmly "No". He then said to her "You just got shot down", I think she was just shaking her head. She did not appear to be angry or offended but she did not say anything. To cover up for my remark I said "I was just verbalizing what she would have said in advance." She laughed at this. The only thing that seemed to come out of the situation was the consensus that my friend says stupid things. But now that I have said "No" does that commit me to never ask her out ever?I'm going to guess her silence means that she was not interested (She's not the type that pursues relationships anyway). But the fact that she too seemed to reject this possibility immedetly means only serves to reaffirm to myself that of all the boys in the world I am not worth it. I don't know why. I don't think I'm too ugly. But there must be something unappealing. 

Now I ponder what exactly made me say no so quickly. I have the feeling that it has to do with something subconscious or unconscious. Zizek would say it's ideology. It could be it's because I have grown so used to thinking of myself as undateable that I rejected it as something that I do not do. Being undateable is part of my very being/existence. Or it could be because I have been raised in a highly christian household where I am not allowed to date and I think of it as something that will not happen. Of all the symbols that I've drifted away from that religion it would be the most apparent, my obvious that i have betrayed God and that I now am a hopeless sinner looking for answers in places where there are none. If I allowed myself to date it would mean that I have taken a stand on my being, away from Christianity. Having a girlfriend is not like having a belief (Agnosticism for example). You can always get rid of a belief easy. You can't do that with a girlfriend.

And so the first emo blog post was written